Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
my poor anus
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
