she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
