I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
