So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
