Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
