i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
