So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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