My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You made out with two different species that night
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
