Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My legs feel like baby dolphins
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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