Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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