is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
