Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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