I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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