honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
