I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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