I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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