I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
