i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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