I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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