this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
