Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
