So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
