there's paper in my vomit.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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