when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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