I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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