now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
