yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
