Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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