I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
