shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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