Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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