I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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