It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
