Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
