I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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