I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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