just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Randomize
