Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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