Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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