why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
