a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
