Cold hands, warm shart.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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