I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
