After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
