i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
