$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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