When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
