Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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