Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
