this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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