i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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