If i come over, it means nothing
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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