I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
