Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
