Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
