I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You're like the curious george of whores
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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