Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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